It hasn’t been a good week in terms of my ‘Wah’ – you know – karma, spirit, centeredness, groove, whatever you want to call it. I call it my Wah. Don’t ask why, I can’t remember. Anyway, a few years ago when I was in a very good place in my life one of my closest friends was not being such a good friend to me. Instead of being supportive of the things I was doing that were making me so happy and happy for my happiness, for some reason she really laid into me about how she thought that my choices were poor (they weren’t) and that I was “elitist and judgmental ” That hurt. A lot. And while we worked it out, I have to honestly say that it is – obviously- still bothering me. It is bothering me even more because she is now doing some of the same things I was doing when we had this whole blow up.
This feeling I’ve been experiencing is definitely resentment. I took off my big girl pants and put on my pouty, stamp my foot, whine and be petty pants. Those are some ugly pants, let me tell you! And the worst part about it is that I’m doing it to myself over something that happened years ago. When I hear about my friend experiencing success and happiness in the same endeavor, there is that nasty-girl voice in my head that says, “Does she remember when she crushed you over this same thing????” Oh, how I hate that voice….and that petty part of me that cannot seem to let it go. It literally feels like acid on my skin eating me alive. Of course she knows nothing about the way I feel because telling her would be too much of an adult thing to do. That, and she likely hasn’t thought of it in years and would think I am crazy. Which I probably am. But let’s not get off track here.
If you pay attention, the universe will give you a little tap on the shoulder, or maybe a whack on the head, to let you know what you need. Yesterday I heard someone say these two things about resentment: “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die,” and “The person you resent is behind bars and you are standing guard but they don’t even know they are in prison!” WOW. That was like a whack on the head! The only one suffering in my little melodrama is me. Did my friend hurt me? Yes. Did she ever apologize? I honestly don’t remember. Am I the one causing myself so much grief and pain by drinking the poison of resenting her YEARS LATER? We have a winner! Brilliant – let me make myself more miserable by putting my resentment in a super big gulp cup and chugging like I’m at a frat party! Woo hoo!!
So apparently I’ve come to the realization (for the millionth time but I seem to keep forgetting it) that the only one I can control is me and holding onto this is only making me feel angry, sad and really stupid. So how do I let it go? Well, writing about it helps. In fact I feel really good all ready as I prepare to end this blog. And when it creeps back in, because it will as I am only human, I just have to give it over to a power greater than me – the universe, God – and let peace come into my heart and soul. I envision myself unlocking her prison, throwing away the key and walking away from all the petty crap together. And what do you know – I think I’ve got my Wah back!
See you in class and the studio!